tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-77242231893670659142024-03-12T22:40:05.095-04:00A Writer's Worldserving God, writing stories, and living life filled with joy.Abigail Lockharthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14600574783853670363noreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724223189367065914.post-88858779411630402302016-09-12T01:34:00.000-04:002016-09-12T01:34:15.420-04:00Plans Change, He RemainsLet me preface by saying, I know it has been an absurdly long time since I've written a blog post. Freshman year sort of took hold of me and didn't let go. I'm hoping that, as a sophomore, I can balance things a little more effectively and be able to make time to share through this blog what God is doing in my life.<br />
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If most of you remember, I started my collegiate journey at Liberty University last year as a Biomedical Sciences major with big plans to go onto medical school. Although I possibly may have had the capacity to pull this off, it was very much my plan for my life, and not necessarily God's plan. I still wonder where my heart was in that. I still very much have a passion for the medical field, don't get me wrong. I love observing hospitals and researching illnesses and such, and I think it's something I'll always care about, deep down. However, for so long, it was less of a passion and more of an "I'm intelligent, and this field would use that intelligence to my best advantage." In retrospect, I think pride motivated a lot of this. Proving myself was my focus a lot of the time.<br />
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When I entered college last fall, my heart wasn't in it. I tried to make myself love it. I did every assignment and reading for my biology class and truly gave it my all for over two months. I never missed a class or lab. I would study all weekend for my tests and forgo weekend plans to go to study sessions. My test grades kept falling and on my fourth test, I actually failed, which left me in tears, dealing with a huge existential crisis. I didn't understand how I could give this my all and still fall so short.<br />
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It took me weeks to understand that <i>this. wasn't. me.</i> It wasn't God's calling on my life. Studying biomedical science had nothing to do with me pursuing something I loved and rather, the more I got into it, the more I realized it was about proving myself. The lie of "if I go to medical school, then I'll finally mean something" kept circling around my head, or the even more dangerous alternative: "If I drop out of this major, I will be nothing."<br />
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But it happened. I made a 34% on a test. I don't cringe as much when I think about that now - God used it for good. But, with that grade, I realized I needed to drop Biology and switch majors.<br />
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I cried. A lot. I questioned my life. I was embarrassed, a lot. I had to tell my friends and teachers that I backed out of the science major because I wasn't cut out for it. That was a huge blow to my identity. My identity wasn't in Christ; it was very achievement-based. The hardest part of that is when you disastrously fail at something, your life comes crumbling down. And that's what happened the third month of my freshman year at college.<br />
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I had to find things to refocus on, otherwise I would completely collapse. I spent night after night up very late praying and writing and reading scripture until my heart would calm down enough to let me sleep. I had panic attacks left and right; as a perfectionist, it was hard to handle the realization that the life I had built up for myself was crumbling apart.<br />
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With the sudden free time I gained from no longer having biology class and lab, I poured my free time into piano, which was something that I didn't consider part of my identity. I was free to try and I was free to fail. I had an amazing teacher who encouraged me to grow in so many amazing ways. I fumbled my way through a Chopin waltz and started to shape myself into a halfway-decent musician. Every time I walked into the school of music, my heart settled down a little bit. Looking back, I feel so stupid for not seeing it earlier. <br />
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In November, I changed my major to Instrumental Music. And, just two weeks ago, I changed my concentration to Piano Performance, which, alike Biomed, is terrifying in its own way, but it's a challenge that every day, I am honored to take on.<br />
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Do I miss being a science major? Short answer is yes. A lot, sometimes. I walk past the science hall on the way to the music building every day. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes I'm really sad about no longer going to medical school, as it was my dream for so long. Sometimes I feel like I'm letting everyone around me down. Sometimes I'm disappointed in myself for not living up to who I think I should be. <br />
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Then, I have to remind myself that God is still very, very good to me. He has me <i>right</i> where I need to be, and I take comfort in knowing that I am right within his perfect will for my life. Proverbs 16:9 tells us that "In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps." I have a way of being stubborn and doing things my way, but God has a way of shutting off all of the other paths until I see that his perfect path for me was there all along. He let me fail that test so that he could show me his much better plan for my life.<br />
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Maybe it's taken me almost twenty years to get to this place, but I'm finally content with letting God lead me where I should be. He has me in the perfect major at the perfect school, two decisions I agonized over for years, and I think him daily for the opportunity to study under an amazing piano instructor and learn so much about being a musician. Studying music is something that has shaped my life in so many incredible ways, both spiritual and otherwise. I still have to fight the desire to let my major be my identity, and some days it's very hard to separate the two. But I know my identity is in Christ, and no matter how well I perform, I am still worth so much.<br />
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I'm asked a lot what I'm going to do with a music degree from a Christian liberal arts school. Simple answer is: I don't know. But I'm overwhelmingly comfortable with not knowing, for the first time in my life. My goal is graduate school, then my dream to go on to get my Ph.D. or DMA and teach at the collegiate level. Again - I don't know. But <i>God is so good.</i> He wouldn't have gotten me this far to leave me know, and I have faith in his perfect will for my life.<br />
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I realize that this has gotten rather lengthy and I apologize. This is something that God has pressed on my heart to write for months now, and I know I am not the only one who has had their identity shaken about when they were forced to change their plans and goals. Maybe there is someone out here who needs to read this. I don't know. But who am I to say no to God, when he puts something on my heart?<br />
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My final point is this: pursue him, and everything else will fall into place. Don't be ashamed of whatever he calls you to, even if it's not as prestigious or honorable as what others are doing. Follow God and your heart, and live in full confidence that who you are resides in an unchanging savior.Abigail Lockharthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14600574783853670363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724223189367065914.post-90658110895487994952015-08-21T01:36:00.000-04:002015-08-21T01:36:46.276-04:00Take HeartFor those of you who do not yet know, I moved into college yesterday at Liberty University! It was pretty crazy, and the last two days have been such a whirlwind. From the moment I stepped out of my car to face overly-enthusiastic student leaders (who very, very kindly took my stuff all the way up to the seventh floor for me!), time has taken off. <br />
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And of course, a college move-in blog post would not be complete without the obligatory dorm pictures:<br />
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My desk is covered with photos, an owl-shaped metronome, a letter covered in play pictures, a copy of the book I wrote, and, not to mention, a stack of books I brought to read. (I limited myself to only a few. Mostly) My roommate and I color-coordinated it all, so it all fits into this perfect little theme. Plus everything is super-organized, which really helps me focus.<br />
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But in all seriousness. In two days, my entire life has changed. Technically, I've been an adult for almost six months now, but it didn't really feel real until my family drove away, and I was left to decide where to go and what to do with my night. I didn't have to wake my mom up when I got home. I woke up when I wanted, went to the gym if I wanted, and ate whatever I wanted. <br />
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There's kind of a stigma about Liberty, that students here aren't really "adults" because of the rules. For one, no, it's not really that many rules, and two, no, it does not make you any less of an adult. What I do with my life and my time is completely up to me, which is thrilling and terrifying at the same time.<br />
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What did today look like? I navigated my way to the gym, and felt very exposed and very embarrassed while I ran, even though I know no one was actually paying attention to me. I explored the finished portion of the new music building, only to (surprise surprise) find myself in the piano lab. I tried to find my classes in DeMoss hall, only to get lost for nothing short of half an hour. On one floor. (I'm telling you, the walls of the 4th floor move when you're not looking.) I ate breakfast and lunch alone, which was okay. (Soon, I know I'll treasure that alone time, when I'm so crazy busy once classes start.) I sat in the Honors Lounge for a while and put class stuff in order. (I know I'm a huge nerd because the library is already my FAVORITE place.) My roommate and I made a Target run - and we're already planning another (somehow, we can never manage to get all the stuff we need.) And, on top of all that craziness, I managed to meet about a hundred new people and call my parents and grandfather.<br />
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Life moves fast, and there's no hiding the fact that moving out of the house and into a dorm is <i>hard</i>. All you can do is hold fast onto God and know that while everything is up in the air, He's still there. Even if you don't know what your major will be (me), what you want to do with your life (me), who your professors will end up being (me), if that last textbook order will actually arrive before classes start (also me), or if you'll make that awesome GPA you need (oh hey also me), God's got you. And it's all going to be more than okay, because where ever you are, or whatever situation you're in, you're exactly where he wants you.<br />
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"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33Abigail Lockharthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14600574783853670363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724223189367065914.post-53979521888958517952015-02-06T21:11:00.001-05:002015-02-06T21:11:25.227-05:00Green Pastures"The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever."<br />
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Psalm 23.</div>
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The prevailing theme this Psalm is peace. I truly think that there is no greater gift than peace from God. In this world, it's hard to trust and have peace. I pray daily for God to give me peace about everything that's going on. I need him to lead me. I need him to protect me.</div>
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Lately, my battle has been awaiting notification from the National Merit Foundation regarding whether or not I became a finalist. My full ride to Liberty hinges on this, and it's been a stressful wait. I had thought that I was receiving notification on Tuesday. Now, I learn that it could be four or more days until I hear back. It's becoming harder and harder as the days drag by and I still have not received any word. It feels like everything hinges on this, and I can't wait know a little more of what's coming this fall. Many other things have fallen through, and it's clear that God has a hand in it all. I can't wait to see what he's bringing this all to.</div>
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But, as much as I don't like it, I'm being forced to wait. So, in this wait, I turn to scripture, because it's the only thing that truly helps lately.</div>
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I love how verse 2 of this Psalm says that "he makes me lie down in green pastures." To me, green pastures sound heavenly. Bright. Safe. Happy. Full of life. That is what God desires for us. But, we don't always want his plan. We reject his way and do it ourselves. Sometimes, he intervenes strongly and makes us "lie down in green pastures" by manipulating situations to lead us certain ways. I can see him doing that in my life right now. We may not always be happy about it at the time, but in the end, his plan is always perfect and righteous.<br />
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But the thing I love most about this Psalm is just how much you can hear love and care ooze out of every word. For me, it's impossible to read it and not picture God as a loving caretaker. To those who feel that God is cruel and heartless, read this. How can the Lord not be kind? He is a gentle shepherd. His desire is to care for us, to lead us to peaceful waters, to give us green pastures. Even in the midst of waiting and struggle, he loves us more than anything.<br />
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And there's this reoccurring theme of guidance. For me, I picture a father holding the hand of his young child and leading them along. As a child, it was hard to feel afraid when with my father. I held his hand and nothing could touch me. Is that not the way that God loves us? He loves me even more than my earthly father. Surely he holds my hand and guides me along also.<br />
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Through good and bad, he holds onto us. Even when we try to do our own thing, he does not let go of our hands. It is said in Romans 8 that "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." <br />
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In the valley of the shadow of death, he is protecting me.<br />
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In the presence of stress and trouble, he is there.<br />
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In times of waiting and anxiety, he knows the future.<br />
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When I cry out for help and guidance, he has my hand.<br />
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When I try to do it alone, when I make mistakes, when I fall, when I forget to call upon him, he is still there.<br />
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Nothing can separate me from the love of Christ. Nothing in all creation can ever take me away from him. Because, after everything, I'm still his daughter.</div>
Abigail Lockharthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14600574783853670363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724223189367065914.post-13718712385008733122015-02-01T21:58:00.000-05:002015-02-01T21:58:10.301-05:00Consider the Lilies"Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well."<div>
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Luke 12:27-31</div>
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Today's random ramblings are, once again, on anxiety and worry. As college acceptances come flowing in, and other things, like financial aid and relationships, come into play it's hard to have a peaceful spirit about it all. The last few months have been such a roller coaster, and I've never known what to expect next. I hope that I lot of the back-and-forth will die down soon, but again, who knows. However, I know that God has a plan for it all, so I'm not entirely worried. I'm ready to know where I'm going, of course, but I've seen that he's beginning to guide me to an answer.</div>
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Whether it's Furman, or Liberty, or even Duke, God's got me.</div>
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But, instead of dwelling on my own problems and worries, as I often tend to do, I now turn back to scripture.</div>
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I think God uses the example of the lilies for several reasons. First off, they have such a natural, wholesome beauty. God took the time and care to ensure that even the least would be perfection. Also, flowers are powerless to help themselves, nor do they need to. They don't sit and worry about if God will provide for their needs, and he still does.</div>
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Lastly, and likely most importantly, flowers are such a small (seemingly meaningless) party of life. They clothe the ground. They are the least. If God can take care of the least, then surely he can provide for his most treasured creation.</div>
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God even acknowledges the fast that he <i>knows</i> that we need these things! He knows that we need food, and water, and shelter, and clothing. He is not discounting our needs, not at all. Instead, he wants us to trust that he will provide, rather than sit and worry.</div>
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College is no different. If God can make the flowers and the grass grow, surely he can take care of me at college, no matter what decision I make.</div>
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And the closing verse of this selection of scripture is a promise. It closely mirrors Matthew 6:33, and, very simply put, says to seek God, and the rest is covered. Put him first, and he will provide.</div>
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And never once have God's promises been untrue. He's made some pretty big prophecies, and they've all come true. If he can raise himself from the dead, surely he can provide for the simplest of our needs.</div>
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His promises are pretty comforting.</div>
Abigail Lockharthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14600574783853670363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724223189367065914.post-54455175055567762722015-01-22T22:11:00.001-05:002015-01-22T22:11:32.911-05:00Glittering City Lights, and All the Life Below<div>
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First off, yes, I know it's a crummy photo. It's the best I could get out of an airplane window, with the weird glare and all. But the point of this edition of my random ramblings isn't about the photo. That's just an introduction. Bear with me.</div>
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I love flying at night, or just flying in general. I haven't been on a plane for a while, but this last weekend, on the way to California (an experience that I hope to soon write about), I got plenty of time on a plane. Including one flight from Atlanta to Charlotte, just about forty minutes in length, meaning that it didn't fly too high in the clouds, and I could see all the beautiful lights beneath us.</div>
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And, of course, being me, I had some deep profound thought while flying above the city. That, or I was just really bored and wanted something to keep my mind busy. Probably the second.</div>
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Anyway. The thing that caught my attention was looking down at the highways, and all seeing all of the cars driving around. I know this may sound lame, but I got all caught up in following those little dots on the ground around, seeing where they were going, and how small they seemed to me. There were millions of lives beneath me, all moving in harmony (to some extent, of course.)</div>
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It made me stop to think about how complex our world really is. Not only are there several billion completely different lives all going on at exactly the same time, but we have all these different systems and places for everyone. There are lawyers and doctors and businessmen and waiters and clerks and managers and performers and teachers and cab drivers and <i>literally everything you could imagine</i>. Right beneath me. And they all exist together, working together to fill all the roles in a system.</div>
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For some reason, that blew my mind. Not that humans could work together towards a purpose (although that is surprising at times), but just how vast and harmonious our world is. All those little glittering dots on the ground have a purpose. God designed each person to have a purpose. And it's amazing when you can look down from the sky and see everyone coexist together.</div>
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Our world isn't perfect, but it's pretty freaking cool.</div>
Abigail Lockharthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14600574783853670363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724223189367065914.post-38067292366387466922015-01-13T23:37:00.000-05:002015-01-13T23:37:26.770-05:00Why I'm Roughly 90% Done With TextingI was watching Night at the Museum 2 with the kids at work today, and one part in particular really stuck out to me.<br />
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The former nightguard is talking to Teddy Roosevelt, and his phone buzzes. Instead of waiting for the conversation to end, he pulls out his phone and replies, interrupting Teddy mid-sentence. But, when he looks up from his phone, he realizes his lost his opportunity.<br />
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I've seen this movie a dozen times, but that never hit me like this before. I always just took it as the movie's way of implying that he works too much and his job is too important. And perhaps, that's the point the movie was trying to make. After all, it came out in 2009, before cell phone addiction was wildly prevalent.<br />
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None of that mattered to me today, though. the first thought that hit me tonight was "Huh, I wonder how many times I've done that to people before."<br />
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The answer kind of made me sad. It's funny, how texting puts phone interaction over human interaction.<br />
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I'm not judging people who text, at all. I am one of those people. I spend likely over an hour a day typing messages back and forth. And here's my secret. The deep, dark secret I don't usually share with the world.<br />
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I actually hate texting. *Cue large dramatic gasp.*<br />
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Honestly, though. It feels like an obligating most of the time. Like, if you text me, I'm obligated to reply, even when I don't have time to talk or just don't feel like talking. And, more so, everything gets misinterpreted the wrong way over text. I've almost destroyed several relationships because of the way things sounded over text. Because I couldn't hear their voice or see their face. I got mad over words on a screen - words they might never have said out loud. But it doesn't matter. Because I've let those words on a screen control my life.<br />
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Now. There are many merits to texting. First off, it's fast and simple. It's an easy way to convey information and get a quick answer. And, you can do it around people without the whole world overhearing a conversation. It's very convenient. And I don't have any issues with using it, for convenience sake, or to have a quick conversation, or when something is going on but you can't visit or call up a person. Obviously, sometimes it's just easier to text. It's a great thing, and a great blessing we have. (Thus, why I said in the title that I'm 90% done with texting. I'm definitely not completely done with it.)<br />
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My problem is when texting steps outside its role of fast, easy communication, and starts to replace normal conversation altogether. I don't think it was ever meant to replace a face-to-face (or even over the phone) conversation. When messages on a screen, without expression or tone, become more important than real interactions, there's a problem.<br />
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I'm not calling anyone out. If anything, I'm calling myself out.<br />
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I love the random little texts I'll get from my boyfriend throughout the day, the little updates about class and going-ons at college. But not every text has to be turned into a full conversation. I don't have to be texting him right as everything happens. Instead, it's healthier for us to call each other frequently, and just talk about how things are going - rather than try to explain it all over text.<br />
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I came to the realization this evening that things were the way they should be, texting-wise, over the summer. Let me rewind. I often consider last summer to be the best time of my life. I woke up at 6:30, would text my boyfriend for ten minutes to wake myself up, and then went for a run. Then, I headed to work for eight hours, where I would have no attachment to my phone (except maybe to take pictures.) After work, I went home and either went to hang out with friends, spent time with my family, read a book, or called my boyfriend to talk about how our days were.<br />
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Notice what's missing? The incessant texting. Obviously, I still texted. A lot, even. But it didn't replace real communication. Not in the slightest.<br />
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I want the summer back (for a number of reasons. It really was the best.) and, in order to do that, I'm going to have to fight to get real communication back. Besides, I work four days a week, run, tutor, participate in a play, and lead at church. On top of taking several difficult classes. I don't have time to be clicking away on my phone.<br />
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How do you change? Simple. You just do it. It doesn't happen overnight. But it will happen, if you fight for it. So, I'm going to set my phone aside and focus on living life. I'm going to invest in real communication, and text only when necessary.<br />
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I'm going to stop missing those opportunities and conversations that float around. I'm going to set down my phone and see how my life is changed. I challenge you to do the same.Abigail Lockharthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14600574783853670363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724223189367065914.post-473289105657464732015-01-10T22:45:00.000-05:002015-01-10T22:45:28.739-05:00Fear and Love - a short scene from my novelSometimes, a scene from my book tells more than a post filled with my ramblings. This story is my heart.<br />
<br />
<br />
--<br />
<br />
<br />
He stares straight forward, towards the school, towards the small glittering lights in the distance. “Have you ever wondered what it’s like, though?”<br />
<br />
I snap out of my slight trace. “What’s that?”<br />
<br />
“Being in love. Haven’t you ever wondered what it’s like, not having to be alone?”<br />
<br />
I hesitate, because I guess I'm really not sure about what to say. “I try not to think about it too much,” I admit. “You know. Part of being self-sufficient and all that.”<br />
<br />
“So you’ve never dreamed of what it’s like. You’ve never imagined how it feels to be loved and know that someone has you.”<br />
<br />
“I guess, if I'm being completely honest, the idea of falling in love scares me.” I brush a strand of hair behind my ear and glance over at him. “I don’t want to love anyone. It would make my life easier if it was just me. I could achieve anything, and nothing would hold me back. You know me. I don’t mind being alone.”<br />
<br />
Kai takes a long breath as he looks over at me. “Then why are you crying?”<br />
<br />
I bring my fingers to the corner of my eye and realize that a few tears have formed. Embarrassed, I use the sleeve of my hoodie to dab them away. “I'm not sad about anything.”<br />
<br />
“Sure you are. We’re all only human, Shailyne, even you. We want to be held, to be loved. You’re no different than the rest.”<br />
<br />
“But I have to be,” I say slowly. “I have to be different. It’s who I'm called to be.”<br />
<br />
“I don’t disagree with that. You are different. I've told you that before. But you don’t have to be different like this. You don’t have to shut yourself away just because you’re scared to love.”<br />
<br />
I'm silent for a long time, and he allows me to enjoy the quiet. I stare out across the field, down the hill, and all the way back to the residence halls. Across this campus that I've been a part of for the last six years, and never once have I had a friend here. I have been alone, and until now, I guess I've been comfortable with that.<br />
<br />
“I'm not afraid to love, Kai.”<br />
<br />
“Then why do you push me away?”<br />
<br />
I look over at him, a little startled that he would ask me something that bold, and then back across the field. “I’m not pushing you away.”<br />
<br />
“Then what, then? Why don’t you let me in?”<br />
<br />
I sigh, frustrated, as usual, at how persistently he asks questions. “I don’t know. Do I have to have answers to everything?”<br />
<br />
“No. Can I tell you what I think?”<br />
<br />
I debate replying with some sort of sarcastic reply about how he always tells me what he’s thinking, then, on a whim, decided to hold my tongue. Maybe the setting sun and gentle, cold wind has put me in a more serious mood. Or maybe I actually want to hear what he has to say. <br />
<br />
So, for once, I don’t say anything. I just nod.<br />
<br />
“I think you don’t want to be vulnerable to anyone. You think you can do life alone, and Shailyne, that’s the biggest lie ever told to humanity.”<br />
<br />
I laugh and roll my eyes. “What do you know about the truth of humanity?”<br />
<br />
He’s quiet for a little while. I wonder if I hurt his feelings, but then again, it’s Kai. He’s put up with me for several months now. He’s learned not to take my cynicism too personally.<br />
<br />
“I may not be school smart like you, but that’s not the only kind of smart. I like to think about the world. Why we’re here. What our purpose is. What truth is. Not the sort of thing they teach you in school. It’s a different kind of intelligence, but I happen to think that it’s equal to what you’re taught as truth in class.” He pauses for a minute, his bright eyes focused on the horizon, where the sun is quickly sinking. “I don’t know everything, but I understand humanity, and I think I get truth. And you’re lying to yourself if you think you can go through life alone. We were made to need other people.”<br />
<br />
I shrug, but he doesn’t give up. <br />
<br />
“Someday, you’ll see. Someday, you’ll love.”<br />
<br />
I stare at his face, watching for any trace of emotion, but he keeps his expression steady. “Have you ever loved, Kai?”<br />
<br />
“Sarah,” he said softly. “But I wouldn’t take back my love for her, even as much as it hurt to lose her. Loving is what makes us human. The pain is not a consequence or punishment for loving, it’s a side effect. But it’s one I'll gladly take any day.”<br />
<br />
I let his words sink in, instead of rushing to tear them down. I guess that’s a sign that I’m changing? Maybe he’s having a little bit of an impact on me, as much as I don’t want him to.<br />
<br />
I find I have nothing to say to that, and I think Kai understands. He doesn’t say anything more to me. Instead, he slides a little to his right, a little closer to me. I don’t completely mind. We sit there for a few minutes, quietly, together. Then, as the exhaustion from another long, hard day begins to drag me down, I rest my head on his shoulder, and together, we watch the dark overtake the evening sky.Abigail Lockharthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14600574783853670363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724223189367065914.post-58822302227986640152015-01-01T11:46:00.000-05:002015-01-01T11:47:30.647-05:00New Year? New You!Hi, I'm Abigail. Seventeen. Christian. Terribly flawed human.<br />
<br />
Okay, that's probably not the best way to begin. I could tell a rough percentage of how "normal" I am, but that wouldn't be comforting either. That part's coming later.<br />
<br />
So, why are you here?<br />
<br />
No, bad question. Philosophers have been debating that since the dawn of time. They don't need encouragement to continue the ruthless, endless debate, rather than believe that there's a God in the sky who loves us all dearly.<br />
<br />
But that's not my point. I've barely started this post and I'm already straying. (I'm sorry, philosophers. I know you might be out of a job if you admit that God exists, but it would be nice to see one of you discover the true meaning of life every once in a while.) Anyways. Back to my point, which was asking what IS the point of my mind-numbing ramblings? (I apologize. I really do.)<br />
<br />
Regardless of how ridiculous and loquacious this post may be, my point is that I'm ready for a new beginning. 2014 has been a year of learning who I am and what I'm made of. And failing. A lot. And making mistakes. A lot. (Aka, why in my introduction, I described myself as a "terribly flawed human.")<br />
<br />
But hey! We're all terribly flawed! There's no person on earth who's perfect. <i>There's</i> the comforting part. <br />
<br />
Okay. So, we're all flawed. Where do we go from here?<br />
<br />
*Cue cheesy banner with the post title in big, colorful letters and a cutesy font*<br />
<br />
"New Year, New You." I find the phrase utterly ridiculous in one sense. Because, how I interpret this statement at a first glance is that new year "makes" you new.<br />
<br />
Wrong. Wrong. WRONG.<br />
<br />
Starting a new calendar will never "make" you new. However, it gives you a sense of freshness and, well, newness, and you're at a good place to succeed in growth.<br />
<br />
You have the tools. Are you going to pick them up and use them?<br />
<br />
Say you want to fix up a car. Your dad bought you every wonderful tool you can imagine. But you never use them. You make excuses. "I'm tired" or "I'm busy" or even, simply, "I don't want to." So, the car remains broken. Tools don't fix the car. Your hard work does.<br />
<br />
It's the same thing with a new year. Here are your tools. Here's your chance to start fresh. Are you going to pick up the tools? Or will they continue to gather dust, as they do every other year? Do you want this year to be different?<br />
<br />
This year will be different only if you decide it will be. So, put down the distraction, put down the addiction, and pick up the tools. Brush off the dust. Bring about the "new you" yourself, and stop waiting for a day on a calendar to do it for you.<br />
<br />
Are you picking up your tools? I'm picking up mine. You've been given a chance. Make it a good year. Chase relentlessly after the change you want.<br />
<br />
Who knows, maybe God will even do something cool along the way.Abigail Lockharthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14600574783853670363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724223189367065914.post-51218484431155824552014-12-17T23:16:00.000-05:002014-12-17T23:16:34.214-05:00Lacking PassionSometimes, when I'm stuck and don't know where to begin, especially on such a hard topic that's been weighing on me lately, I find that it's easier to begin with a definition. So, here goes.<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Passion (as according to Merriam-Webster) is defined as a strong feeling of enthusiasm or excitement for something or about doing something.</div>
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My definitions? Excitement about something you enjoy. Motivation to do the things you love. The drive to pursue your interests, your <i>passions</i>.</div>
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<br /></div>
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So, you can see how lacking passion can make life difficult, especially on someone like me, who thrives on being passionate for things I enjoy.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I mentioned in my last post that lacking passion was the main reason for my avoidance in blogging for the last month. Yes, a lot of it was brought on my laziness, and I'm trying to do several things to combat that and get back on track. Deleting those apps off my phone was a big one. But it doesn't just solve everything. It helped - for a day. But there can't be just one easy solution to fix a growing problem.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
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And with a lack in passion, feeling disappears as well. It's nice, not feeling. Sadly, over the last few weeks, I came to enjoy it. It makes life easier. It spares you pain and letdown. And, it's also relieved me of school and college application related stress, which definitely has been nice.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
But the reason why this is such a problem is because <i>feeling is what makes us human</i>. Certainly, it was easier, to give in and just feel nothing. To stop fighting to live and feel. It was less of a roller coaster, for sure. But in those few weeks, so much was stripped from me.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
First off, love was taken, and I think that was the worst of all. I have an incredible boyfriend. He's such a man of God, and he's been close to my heart for a while now. During these last few weeks, it's been a fight to feel. Fortunately, I believe that love is a choice, and that you can hold on, even through times lacking passion, and so we've made it through those days where I simply couldn't <i>feel </i>a thing. I still knew why I loved him. But I didn't feel those strong, passionate feelings of love. And that was hard.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Not only that, I've fallen into many dark places lately, and pushed him away. I didn't want to listen to the same wise advice, to pray, to read my Bible. Not only have I pushed him out, but I pushed God out as well.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Sometimes, we silly humans have a way of denying ourselves of exactly what we need. I have made <i>so many excuses</i> these last few months about not praying or not having my quiet time every day. And it's come back to attack me.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I believe in spiritual warfare. I believe Satan can, and will attack us. I realized a month ago, that if I gave up, fell into laziness, and lost passion, that life was easier, because he stopped attacking me. And why should he? I'm not a threat right now. I'm not actively seeking God. I'm putting aside things I need to be doing and falling into temptation. Satan doesn't need to attack me. I've fallen far enough on my own.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
See, the second I start fighting to feel again, the second I start trying is when he fights back, harder. After about three to four days with no results that I can see, I give up, and fall back to this easy, unpassioned place. Because at least there, I'm not under attack. I'm let be. It's <i>easy.</i> Key word there.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
The other thought on my mind lately parallels this closely: <i>do the hard things. </i>That's come up a lot, and I can't say that I've succeeded in that at all, especially not in this, because it's easy to give up. This idea also applies to other things in my life, but those are other topics, for another time.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
The second thing that not feeling took away from me was enjoyment for the things I love. For many years now, I have been a writer, and I'm currently in the middle of editing the book I wrote last year. It's a story I love, but I just haven't put the work in, because I haven't felt like it. That's what lacking passion does to you - it makes you have no desire to do the things you enjoy. This also goes for things like reading - I haven't read a book for fun in months - and running, which no longer seems so enjoyable, and rather that I'm always forcing myself.</div>
<div>
<br />In everything, I have lost passion.</div>
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<br />And it's time to change. Time to keep fighting, longer than four days. Time to seek God first, and to maybe, just maybe feel again.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I know this was more of a personal speech, but this has been troubling me for a while, and cumulated today. I decided that, if I put it out on the internet, where anyone can see, maybe I can spur a change in my heart.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I'm not ashamed of my struggles. After all, I'm only human. My prayer will be that I open up my heart again, and let these feelings back in. Time for unrelenting pursuit of God. Time for once again, living and loving with my whole heart.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Time for passion.</div>
Abigail Lockharthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14600574783853670363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724223189367065914.post-3916668547912295052014-12-14T22:43:00.000-05:002014-12-14T22:43:10.061-05:00Four Apps I'm Deleting Off My PhoneFirst off, yes, I know it's been a month since I posted. That wasn't my original goal, at all, but it's been a difficult last month and I couldn't force it out. The main reason why I haven't posted is due to a lack of passion. I'll write more about that later, as it is a serious topic that I'd like to analyze in writing, but for tonight, as I'm still trying to get over the hump, I want to focus on a simple topic - something I'm doing to help myself move on from this lack of passion, brought on my laziness.<br />
<br />
My phone can be my downfall sometimes. I'm not the kind of person who is always on my phone; however, when I have free time, that's usually where you'll find me - laying on the couch, doing something on my phone. I don't see texting as a bad thing - at least it's social - but I'm talking about useless things that in no way contribute to my life or happiness. I've tried to find satisfaction in them, but they always fail me, and lead to wasted time.<br />
<br />
So, without further ado, my list of apps that I've deleted off my phone.<br />
<br />
1. Facebook<br />
<br />
I took this plunge about three weeks ago. I love Facebook. I really do. It's a nice, easy way to stay connected with relatives and friends. I really have nothing against it. And more than that, I'm not judging anyone who spends a lot of time on there. If it's your thing, sure, go for it. It just became an issue for me.<br />
<br />
There's a problem when I spend an hour laying in one place scrolling through Clean Funny Pictures and avoiding things like editing my book or playing the piano. Things I truly love doing! I've lost passion for some of those things though, because it's just easier to avoid and do mind-numbing things, like scrolling through Facebook.<br />
<br />
So, if I want to get on Facebook, I have to use my computer. This has helped considerably. I check Facebook once or twice a day, for about fifteen minutes. It's certainly a lot healthier, and I know that I'm a lot happier because of it.<br />
<br />
<br />
2. YouTube<br />
<br />
This is a HUGE one, that I did just today. And this is the one that I think will benefit me the most.<br />
<br />
I'm not even talking about the content of YouTube videos, although yes, that can be a problem. I'm talking about the sheer amount of time that YouTube consumes. I don't see anything wrong with watching the new video from one of my favorite channels once or twice. But, it's easy to pull up one short video and get sucked in. It goes back to the Facebook thing. It becomes an addiction, and that's when it's a problem.<br />
<br />
I realized after an hour and a half on YouTube today, following over an hour yesterday, watching videos that I don't even care about or have already seen several times before, that it's become a problem. So, I need to make it less accessible to me.<br />
<br />
Goodbye, YouTube app. Again, if I need to view a video, I can get on my computer, but that makes it more of a hassle, and I won't be compelled to waste so much time on there.<br />
<br />
<br />
3. Candy Crush Saga<br />
<br />
At level 365, this game stopped being fun. Yet, I still felt compelled to obsessively play it while watching TV, instead of doing something healthier.<br />
<br />
Like, tonight, while watching the new Heartland, I painted my nails. Maybe it wasn't productive, but it was definitely more calming than getting frustrated over some silly game. I used to knit or draw or practice Gallifreyan writing (yes, I know, I'm a huge nerd) while I watched TV. And now, I've turned to TV and video games at the same time. It's not healthy.<br />
<br />
Also, there's the temptation to spend money to beat that one annoyingly impossible level. So, bye Candy Crush! Time to replace you with things I actually enjoy!<br />
<br />
<br />
4. InstaFollowers<br />
<br />
This may be sort of a stupid one. I know. But it's something that I've used for a while now, and lately I've realized just how silly it really is.<br />
<br />
Basically, it tracks whoever unfollows you on instagram, and who isn't following you back and such.<br />
<br />
First off. <i>How self-centered is this?!</i> Why does it matter who unfollows me? The day I start obsessing over how many followers I have is the day I have lost myself to social media. And I refuse to let that happen. So, I'm taking the steps now to save myself from falling into that place.<br />
<br />
If you want to unfollow me, go right ahead. I'm sure my outdoor pictures from work, my piano videos, my selfies, and shots of my homework must get old. I won't take any offense. Because, that's kind of a silly thing to take offense about. Most of the time I never notice if people unfollow me, anyway. As it should be.<br />
<br />
<br />So there you have it. My list of apps I'm keeping off my phone, at least for this next year. If, in the future, I decide I can handle Facebook again, it might come back, (the others I don't really care about) but for now, I'm content having my phone free from those time-sucking apps. My phone has a pitifully low number of apps. But I like it that way. And besides, I can fill it up with pictures instead...<br />
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Are there any apps that are keeping you captive? If so, I encourage you to delete them, no matter how fun they may seem. It's freeing, to click that X on the corner of the app, and watch that addiction slide away to oblivion.<br />
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My prayer for the next few days will be asking God to reclaim my time, to focus it back on Him and the things I love. To remove these distractions. To live the life I was meant to live.<br />
<br />Thank you God, for blessing me with so much time. Let me use it for your glory, and not for trying to satisfy myself. Give me strength, as I attack the future with passion, instead of laziness. Let my every action serve you.Abigail Lockharthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14600574783853670363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724223189367065914.post-35113717242461298902014-11-13T14:45:00.002-05:002014-11-13T14:45:22.377-05:00Anticipation Turned FearFor the past year, I have repeatedly said that I cannot wait to leave high school. And that's true - I am eagerly awaiting college. It has been on my mind for a while now, and it's something I've looked forward to with nothing but eager anticipation.<br />
<br />
Until now.<br />
<br />
Because, yesterday, I realized that I was actually terrified about it.<br />
<br />
Let me explain. For the past several months, my life has been college applications. I've been so worried about writing essays and getting letters of recommendations, that my focus has been placed on getting into college, and getting money for college.<br />
<br />
Not about what I'm actually going to do when I'm at college.<br />
<br />
This doesn't have to do with academics. I'm fairly confident in my choice of a Chemistry/Pre-Med major. Who knows, it could change, but for now, I'm content. No, this centers around picking which college, and then what I'm going to do there.<br />
<br />
I've always been able to make fairly wise decisions. That's not the problem. The real problem is that I dread making those decisions. I get so worked up and stressed out about them, because they are big things that <i>will affect the rest of my life</i>. Kind of terrifying, when you think about it that way. (Also, I'm kind of a worrier. It's not a good thing, and it's something I've tried to get out of. I'm better than I used to be. But I still worry.)<br />
<br />
Now that applications are done, the focus is now off getting into college. I've done all that I can do. Now, it comes down to my choice. And this is something that worries me lately. Yes, I am continuing to have faith that God will make it all work out - but also, part of it comes down to <i>my</i> personal choice in the matter.<br />
<br />
The other part of my worry comes from the fact that, well, I'm leaving. I will be leaving Fort Mill, where I have lived all my life, and entering a new city. I will be leaving my family, and although I've always been independent, it's a little scary. <br />
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These fears haven't hit me before now, because I've been focusing on the excitement of the matter. But now, as the excitement dies down while I wait for a little while, I am also afraid.<br />
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But back to Isaiah: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (41:10)<br />
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I may not have it all figured out yet. But He certainly has a wonderful plan in store for me. Whatever happens, I will continue to take faith in that.Abigail Lockharthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14600574783853670363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724223189367065914.post-88796362343897237492014-11-12T23:02:00.000-05:002014-11-12T23:02:53.790-05:00Have Faith and WaitI submitted the rest of my college applications last night, leading to a grand total of nine different schools. Yes, it's a lot, but I wanted to make sure I covered all my bases. I'm pretty sure I did.<br />
<br />
Duke. Vanderbilt. Furman. University of Richmond. Wake Forest. Wofford. Clemson. Virginia Tech. Liberty. Two Ivy League schools, four private (sub-ivys), two state schools, and one Christian college. It's a ton, but I'm glad all of my applications are in.<br />
<br />
Crazy thing is, I'm pretty sure that I could be happy at most of these places. I have some idea where I want to go, but there's still so much up in the air. I won't get admissions letters for another four months. I won't find out whether or not I received scholarships or financial aid until the spring. And, of course, that's a major consideration.<br />
<br />
Thus, I have several months of waiting until I can make any decisions. For me, that's very difficult.<br />
<br />
Those who know me well know that I have never been a particularly patient person. When needed, I can wait, sure. But for big things like college, which are always on my mind? It's incredibly hard for me to wait. And I have to, for several months.<br />
<br />
This isn't the only thing I've been called to wait on lately. Several other examples come to mind. Some are harder to wait for than others, but they are all things I will gladly wait for.<br />
<br />
Honestly, I believe that God grows us the most through periods of waiting. Because, most of the time, when we have to wait, we don't know what we're doing. We have no plans, because we have to wait to make them. We have little knowledge of what's going to happen. So, we must wait on God, and rely on Him to get us through the future.<br />
<br />
Waiting forces us to have faith. To trust Him. And I consider it to be a privilege, that he's making me wait. Because obviously, there's something he's trying to teach me in the process. Again. I don't know what that is yet. But I look forward to finding out everything that he has in store for me.<br />
<br />
<br />
"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:33-34 (these also happen to be two of my favorite verses)Abigail Lockharthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14600574783853670363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724223189367065914.post-88348324789262226072014-11-09T12:18:00.002-05:002014-11-09T12:18:51.213-05:00Wanting MoreThose who know me well know that I am very excited to leave for college next fall. Sometimes, my constant craving of college life can get a bit obsessive. I'm not content where I am now. It's a daily struggle.<br />
<br />
A lot of it stems from loneliness. I have such a small social life this year. My good friends are busy, or I'm busy with classes. My boyfriend is four hours away. It's a tough year, and I absolutely until I get to meet new people at college.<br />
<br />
This weekend, though, I think it's come from jealousy. One of my current top choices for college, Liberty University in Virginia, does this program called "College For A Weekend" where high school students can come and spend a weekend on campus and go to classes and school events and such. It's actually this weekend, and originally, I was planning on going. Then several things came up, and besides, I didn't even have a ride up there. So I was unable to attend this weekend, and honestly, it's been getting to me.<br />
<br />
This was also paired with the fact that I spent nearly six hours yesterday working on college application essays, which was exhausting. I'm ready for all of this senior year stuff to be over. I'm ready to leave, to start over, to have some new experiences. I hear my boyfriend talk about the wonderful experiences he's having up at Liberty, and I get terribly jealous, instead of being content where I am right now. That's wrong of me, and it's something I've been battling for a long time.<br />
<br />
However, yesterday I was reminded of the parable in the Bible, where three servants were entrusted with small portions of their master's fortune, to test them, to see what they would do with it. The ones who were faithful even with just the small amounts were rewarded, and given more responsibilities<br />
<br />This doesn't just apply to money. This applies to everyday life. Are we being faithful in the little things that God has entrusted us with? If not, why would He give us bigger things?<br />
<br />
For me personally, my senior year feels like one of those "little things". I don't have as much responsibility as I'd like. I don't have as many opportunities as I'd like. I don't have as many people in my life as I would like. My world feels terribly small, and I desire more. However, if I am not faithful in what I have been given now, how would I be faithful with more?<br />
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If I am not bothering to spend time with the few people around me now, what makes me think that I will take the time to make friends at college? If I am letting opportunities pass by me now, what makes me think that I will take advantage of the new opportunities available at to me at college?<br />
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College is not going to fix my life. Simple as that. It's not. It will be a time of great growth for me, but that doesn't mean that growth has to wait to begin until I get there. It begins now. In the little things, so that when I am given those bigger things, I will be prepared. Growth begins today.<br />
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And part of that also means that I need to live in today. I need to enjoy each and every day God has given me, rather than have the mindset of "nine more months and I'll get to go away to college." No. I need to enjoy today.<br />
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I am making a commitment, today, to being faithful in the little things. And I cannot wait to see what bigger things God has in store for me.Abigail Lockharthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14600574783853670363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724223189367065914.post-81994567728759971092014-11-05T10:03:00.000-05:002014-11-05T10:04:10.534-05:00His StrengthIsaiah is becoming a new favorite, namely, chapters 40-42. Every time I read them, God shows me something new through those powerful sections. Today was no different.<br />
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I realized this morning, when I reread those chapters, that I didn't completely comprehend who God was, despite saying that I know Him for so long. To clarify - I've been a Christian for most of my life. I've gone to church my whole life. I've always been close to Christianity - lately, however, it's becoming more of a personal thing, which is great. It's what it's supposed to be.<br />
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It's also difficult, though. Part of making faith your own is discovering who God is to you. And this morning, I realized that I truly do not know.<br />
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Of course, it's impossible to have any real comprehension of who God is. He is too great and powerful for human comprehension. But I've lost sight of who he is to me. I say He's powerful and great, but do I really mean that?<br />
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Sometimes actions speak louder than words, and when I spend my time worrying about homework or college or conflict with others, am I really trusting Him? Is that really showing that I believe that He is bigger and stronger than all that?<br />
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Truth be told, worrying is just a sign that I'm not trusting God enough. I make excuses for it a lot: "I'm trying to worry, it's just how I am!" or "My life is crazy and stressful, I can't help being worried!" That's also wrong. What I have is a lack of trust. And how can that trust be found?<br />
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I honestly think that by seeking God, by trying to discover who He is, and how great His strength is, I will be able to more willingly place my trust in Him. If I truly believe that He is all-powerful, why would I not trust Him? If He is greater than my problems and greater than my fears, why should I worry?<br />
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I'm going to close today with some wonderful verses from Isaiah, that drive this point home. I'm also dedicating this next week or so to memorizing them, because these are words that I need to have in my heart.<br />
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"Do you not know? Have you not heard? Has it not been told you from the beginning? Have you not understood since the earth was founded? He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth, its people are like grasshoppers. He stretches out the heavens like a canopy, and spreads them out like a tent to live in. He brings princes to naught, and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing. No sooner are they planted, no sooner are they sown, no sooner do they take root in the ground, than he blows on them and they wither, and a whirlwinds sweeps them away like chaff. "To whom will you compare me? Or who is my equal?" says the Holy One. Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. <b>Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing</b>."<br />
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Isaiah 40:21-26Abigail Lockharthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14600574783853670363noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724223189367065914.post-67187118184864146672014-11-02T00:37:00.002-04:002014-11-02T00:37:48.747-04:00Running - My Story of Discouragement, Perseverance, and Long-Awaited SuccessI have run for nearly four years.<br />
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I've been a runner for one.<br />
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The difference between "just running" and "being a runner" is huge, actually. And the main thing that separates the two is motivation.<br />
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I think last fall, my junior year, was when I began to take running a bit more seriously. I was training for a half marathon with my mom, but I did a walk/run program. Of course, it's hard enough to do a half marathon anyway, but I definitely didn't push myself to my full potential. I wasn't bad, but I lacked some of the motivation that I've so recently discovered.<br />
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This fall, I signed up to run on a homeschool cross country team. And it was the best choice I have ever made.<br />
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I've never considered myself to be athletic. Like, at all. I've played sports before, but I was never the greatest. I wasn't usually a starter on my rec soccer team, but I wasn't horrible. I've run (ish) before, but I was never the greatest. I averaged about 32-minute 5Ks before this season.<br />
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It's easy for me to say "well, at least I did something! A lot of teenagers don't." And, although that's true, it's also kind of a cop-out. I realized that this summer, and I wanted to change that.<br />
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So I signed up for cross country, not really sure what I was getting myself into. I could barely run two miles without stopping at my first practice (and I had run two-three days a week before work all summer to prepare). I was discouraged. Everyone on the team was better than me, it seemed. I couldn't breathe when I tried to run faster. I had so many moments of wanting to give up.<br />
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A month into the season, we ran our first race. I finished at 29:59, and in all honesty, I was just thrilled to break 30 minutes - even though I had to stop and walk a few times. It was a good race, and I was happy with how my season had begun.<br />
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Then came the discouragement. And oh, how hard it came.<br />
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Practices went well enough. I could complete the workouts without many problems - running, on average 3 miles, without stopping to walk. One friend of mine often ran with me, and she pushed me. It was going great. I thought that I would be good to go on my next 5K.<br />
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I was wrong. I faded out after 2 miles, and ended up on the ground throwing up. I walked and ran the last mile, and ended up with a time of about 31:00. I was highly discouraged. I thought that I must be a failure, since I added time.<br />
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So I trained harder, and I thought I was ready for my next race. See, my goal all along was to break 27 minutes. My fastest 5K ever was on the road last spring. I did walk/run it, but I did it in about 28 minutes. So, my goal all season was to beat 27. I was determined that this race would be it. I was determined to push.<br />
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But the discouragement struck again. I had to walk most of the race due to breathing problems, and finished in close to 32 minutes. Added time again. Felt like a failure again. After that race, I actually debated quitting, right then and there. It was so discouraging, and all I wanted to do after the race was cry. I had fallen, and I did not want to get back up.<br />
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I did, however. And that week, I actually went to the doctor and found out that I probably had exercised-induced asthma. I got an inhaler, and began using it before every one of my runs. It helped some, but I still had breathing problems. I had to learn to control my breathing, which made it a lot more difficult. But it was nice to finally have an explanation for my troubles.<br />
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I ran faster at my next race - about 27:30. I couldn't beat 27, however. I broke down close to mile 3, and ended up on the ground again, trying not to be sick. Trying to breathe. But I made it to the finish. (I consider that to be my greatest finish - my boyfriend drove four hours down from college to surprise me at the finish. I hadn't seen him in six weeks, and it was an incredible surprise. But that's another story, for another time.)<br />
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So okay. I was finally taking off time. Next race I could be sub-27, right?<br />
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Nope. Try 29. I was discouraged, again. I was crying at the finish, again. And I wanted to give up, again. At the end of that race, I was debating telling my coach that I wasn't going to race ever again, because it only ended in frustration. But instead, I wiped away the tears and walked down to the finish to cheer my team on. I ran the last .1 alongside every member of our team and cheered them on. And although it was such an upsetting race, I consider it to be one of the best nights of my life. I found joy in being an encourager. (Again, that's a wonderful story, but for another time.)<br />
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I wanted to quit many times over the next few weeks. Practices were hard. My breathing was awful. My knee started to hurt. But I hung on, and trained hard.<br />
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And that's when things changed for the better. Because at my next race, I ran my 5K in 25:56, and I did not walk a single step. The course was very easy, yes, but I broke 26. And I could not have been more thrilled.<br />
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Success didn't end there. Today was my state meet. That course was hard. Very hard. And the conditions certainly weren't ideal. It was cold, and cold air is hard to breathe. But I pushed. Even though I ended up in tears for half of the second mile. It was a hard, hard race. I came under a lot of emotional, physical, and spiritual attack during that race. But I pushed. And I fought. Because I no longer give up.<br />
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25:13.<br />
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That was my last time of the season. 25:13. I cannot express how happy I am. More so, I am thankful to God for giving me such wonderful success. I fought for it. Not one step was easy. I persevered, despite all those struggles, and I was rewarded. I wanted to quit, day after day, but something kept me going. And now I understand.<br />
<br />I don't love running solely because of the physical challenge. It is an emotional battle for me. It is me fighting a battle against myself, against my mind.<br />
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And I have finally won.Abigail Lockharthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14600574783853670363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724223189367065914.post-18375741042693721172014-10-27T21:34:00.001-04:002014-10-27T21:36:34.786-04:00Fall's BeautyFall is my favorite season, and I could go on and on about how beautiful it is. Instead, I have several pictures I took while at work at the Greenway today, because I feel like these photos say a lot more.<br />
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I love looking at the beauty of the world, because it reminds me of just how great and amazing God is. He has given us such an incredible world to live in, and I will never grow tired of praising Him for it. I will forever be enthralled by nature.</div>
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Abigail Lockharthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14600574783853670363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724223189367065914.post-75887965478165749972014-10-26T20:53:00.001-04:002014-10-26T20:53:55.553-04:00What Is a Friend?<div>
I spoke at my youth group on friendship tonight. As much as I dislike public speaking, I readily accepted the opportunity to write a small piece and present it. Here's what I chose to say :)</div>
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What is a friend? Webster's dictionary defines it simply as, “one you like and enjoy being with.” Usually, the dictionary can be fairly helpful, but I find a lack of depth in this answer. And honestly, I'm unsure if there’s an easy, yet better, way to answer this question.<br /><br />Perhaps, then, it’s easier to start with what a friend is not. Friendship is not one-sided. It’s not about what you get from the other person, or what they get from you. A friend shouldn't be someone you idolize. True friends are equals. A friend should be your partner, not your leader nor your follower.<div>
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What is a friend, then? </div>
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A friend is someone who you respect and who respects you, someone whom you trust with your whole heart, and who trusts you. A friend is someone who loves you, and would do anything for you. John 15:13, one of the greatest verses in the Bible about friendship, says that “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” Friends are selfless.<div>
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It’s that person you can call in the middle of the night, and they’ll still pick up the phone. The one who you can do the most menial things with, and they won't care, because they just want to spend time with you. You can vent to them, and they won't judge you. They’ll support you through anything – but they’ll also tell you the truth when you need to hear it. And you’ll listen – because you value and respect them. More than anything, they should be the people who point you towards God, who push you towards pursuing him every day.<div>
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So, then, what is a friend? I'm not sure there’s any one definition. Because, more than anything, a friend is someone who is there. Through good times and bad, through fights and conflict. At the end of my life, I won't remember every friend I ever had a good time with. But I will remember the friends who stood by my side, even it was hard. <div>
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Because, in my opinion, that’s what a true friend should be – loyal. We can't always expect our friends to be perfect. At one time or another, they will let us down, but a friendship can always be repaired. Forgiveness and friendship go hand in hand. We don't have to be the perfect friend, because it is impossible for any of us to ever be perfect. But we can be there for one another. And sometimes, that’s all we need.</div>
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Abigail Lockharthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14600574783853670363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724223189367065914.post-13550552342717413482014-10-25T18:09:00.000-04:002014-10-25T18:09:04.936-04:00I Choose to Be an OptimistFor years, I've struggled with pessimism. I call it realism, as many other pessimists do, but that's wrong. Being pessimistic about everything is not being realistic. Call it what you want, but pessimism is the absence of hope. Most people doesn't seem to define it like that. They say it's just "being prepared for the worst" or "not getting your hopes up" but it's much, much for than that. It's much deeper than that. <br />
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The Webster dictionary has many different definitions for pessimism. None of them are very positive, but one stuck out to me: "Pessimism: the doctrine that evil overbalances happiness in life." In simpler terms, it the mindset that there is more bad in the world than good. The idea that everything is going to be awful, and nothing is going to go your way. Negativity. Hopelessness. It isn't Christ-like. Not at all. God has called us to be a light in the world, to shine despite the darkness around us.<br />
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I've lied to myself about it for years. I've made pessimism out to be better than it actually is. I've made so many excuses about it, saying that it's how I am, and that I can't change. However, pessimism <i>is </i>a sin. And sin is always a choice. Certainly, it's easier to sin. Likewise, it's easier to be pessimistic than optimistic. But it is a choice.<br />
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I've let myself get away with it, even more so lately. I'm not even talking about the way I'll be hard on myself, although, that is uncalled for as well. No, I'm talking about the way I choose (yes, I said choose - it IS a choice) to see a situation.<br />
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God broke me today. I've been holding on for a long time, but today was my breaking point. <br />
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It started with an eight mile run this morning with my mom. After two miles, I said I couldn't do it. I complained the rest of the way. Said I was too sore, that I couldn't breathe. And although, yes, I greatly struggle when running, it was my choice to see the negative. And when my mom called me out on it, I made excuses about why I was like that. "I'm just a pessimist, it's how I am!" "I hate that I'm like this, but it's not my choice!" "I've tried to change, but I can't!" Lie. Lie. Lie. Thus, my run was miserable, because I ruined it with my pessimistic attitude.<br />
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Moving on to later. I was talking with my boyfriend, possibly one of the greatest encouragers in the world, and as the conversation progressed, I realized that I had nothing positive to say. I spoke negatively about a situation that's coming up that I'm dreading. I spoke terribly of myself, and wouldn't listen to a word he said. I fell into one of the darkest places I've ever been.<br />
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This resulted in a breakdown of sorts. But it helped, in a way - I felt utterly broken. Sometimes God has to bring us to that point to get through to us. And well, it worked. I pulled out my Bible and read for a while. Talked to him for a while. I realized that I have been so lost lately. I haven't trusted. I haven't had hope.<br />
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Even more so lately, I have fallen into the trap that is pessimism, and it needs to stop.<br />
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I realized why I'm like this, also. Certainly, I don't enjoy being negative! I hate it. But I do it out of fear. In my mind, if I prepare myself for the worst, when it happens, it makes it easier to swallow, because I was expecting it anyway. Sure, it may save me from some hurt, but it's an awful way to live. In preparing myself for the worst, it ended up that all I would ever see would be the worst. I would walk into a situation, telling myself "this isn't going to go how you would like it go," so that I wouldn't be let down.<br />
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I am afraid of dashed hopes. So I "protect" myself from them, by never hoping. But that is not helping me at all. It is robbing myself of one of the greatest gifts that God gave mankind - hope. The ability to dream and wish and pray. Not to always think of the worst, but to hope for better. By being a pessimist, I have robbed myself of that joy. And that ends now.<br />
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I suppose the verse that most stuck out to me today was Isaiah 41:10. (I would greatly recommend reading Isaiah 40-42, such words of encouragement that really pulled me out of a dark place today.) And this verse in particular says. "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand." I should not be afraid of the worst. I should look to the future with hope, and trust that God will give me the strength to encounter whatever difficulties come my way. There is no need to be a pessimist.<br />
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I am making the choice. Today, I choose to be an optimist, and that is a choice I will continue to make for the rest of my life. I am tired of how I am. I am tired of the negativity. I am tired of not knowing hope. So I am making this commitment, between God and myself, to change. Because I can change.<br />
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And it is a change I am more than willing to make.Abigail Lockharthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14600574783853670363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724223189367065914.post-34707495006828739662014-10-24T22:53:00.000-04:002014-10-24T22:53:08.365-04:00A Bittersweet EndTonight was my Cross Country team's end of season banquet. Another ending, another reminder that this is my last year at home. There are a lot of "lasts" this year. Sometimes I lost sight of that; that this is really my last year of high school. It's easy to forget sometimes. And then there are nights like tonight where it stares me in the face. Where it's repeated over and over again how this is my "last year here" and everyone makes a big deal of me leaving. <br />
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It's exciting - I love being a senior. I love being an example. But at the same time, it's a bit strange. Not to be cliche, but the only word that truly describes my senior year is "bittersweet." For the past year, I have been ready to leave high school. And as each day passes by, I become more and more ready to move on. Ready to accept more responsibility. Ready to meet new people and have new experiences.<br />
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And then there are times where I am reminded of how great of an experience high school can be, and I'm once again sad about leaving. Even though I feel ready.<br />
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Senior year is hard. It's hard because, in my mind, I feel like I've already moved on from all this. I'm past the situations and the drama. But at the same time, I'm constantly reminded that this is my last time to experience all these things. My last gathering with my Cross Country team. My last fall dance with my friends. My last fall at home, even. It is truly bittersweet. Because I am so ready to leave - a sentiment I've repeated over and over again this past year - and then again, I am not ready to go.<br />
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I spent most of my evening tonight with these two incredible middle school girls. After running with them for over three months, I have come to love both of them so much. They have the sweetest, kindest hearts, and I am blessed to know them. They bring me so much joy every time I'm around them, and we have the greatest times goofing off together. Between singing "Let It Go" during practice at the top of our lungs and screaming those ridiculous inside jokes, even around strangers, we've shared so much laughter. They have taught me what pure joy looks like. They have showed me to be an encourager, and to smile even in the hardest circumstances. And I am truly thankful that they've been put in my life this year. <br />
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And somehow, they look up to me. I guess it's because I'm a senior, the oldest on the team, and they look to me as an example. It's partly flattering. It's also extremely humbling. I'm not perfect. I never will be. But I still have the opportunity to change lives, in spite of my imperfections and failures.<br />
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I spend so much time longing for more. Longing to be free from high school and out of the house. Longing to be living that college life; taking care of myself and studying the things I enjoy. There's nothing wrong about being excited for tomorrow. Yet, Biblically, we should be living in the present, and enjoying the situations that God has placed us in right now. James 4:13-15 says "Now listen, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.'"<br />
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Hard to swallow sometimes, but it's the truth. And it is God's will that I be at home right now. I'm not "stuck" here. I've been placed here, to do something great, while God readies me to do even greater things next year. Sure, I'm not living it up at college yet. I'm not meeting a hundred new people. I haven't been able to have a huge impact on the world. But, I have had an impact on two precious middle school girls. And that is more than enough.<br />
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I truly am sad that my senior year is passing so quickly. It is the very definition of bittersweet. But I am so, so excited for what God has in store for me.<br />
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“There are no happy endings.<br />Endings are the saddest part, <br />So just give me a happy middle<br />And a very happy start.” <div>
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- Shel Silverstein</div>
Abigail Lockharthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14600574783853670363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724223189367065914.post-37905182176640061392014-09-14T21:36:00.002-04:002014-09-14T21:37:09.381-04:00Talent and Jealousy"We all have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. if your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teaching; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, the give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully." Romans 12:6-8<br />
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God has all given us different gifts and talents. At youth group tonight, the message was on using our talents for God's glory, which is an important topic, and likely one that I'll write about again.</div>
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But I'm going to draw a tangent from the typical "spiritual gifts" conversation.</div>
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The main thing that hit me tonight, during the message, was not that I should be better using the gifts that God, although that is true. No, what mainly stuck out to me is that I need to love the talents God gave me, and <i>stop desperately wanting the talents that other people have.</i></div>
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It's not that I need to give up <i>trying</i> to be good at things I enjoy, or give up and stop trying new things. It's more that I need to stop being jealous when people have gifts that I want. I should embrace the gifts God gave me, and stop longing to have the different talents that God has given other people.</div>
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Take singing for example. Yes, I'm one of those people who can't sing. Now, that doesn't keep me from singing, in the slightest. I still raise my voice to worship God. Does it sound good? No. But I still sing. The problem is that I'll fall into this jealousy when I hear other people sing. Instead of just enjoying their voice, I'll think <i>wow, I wish I could sing like that. Why can't I sing like that? I wish I had their voice. I wish I was talented like they are</i>. And so on and so forth.</div>
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I don't want to think like that. Not at all. But it's something I slip into all the time, and I realize that it needs to stop. It's not just with singing, either. It's the same with running, or writing, or dancing, or playing sports. I constantly want the skills that others have been given, and it's not healthy.</div>
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I need to come to peace with who I am. I need to accept the talents that God gave me, and come to grips with the fact that no, I may not be as good at those things as others are. I may never be the world's best writer. That shouldn't stop me from sharing my stories with the world. I won't be the best runner. But that shouldn't stop me from completing that marathon someday (and yes, I am going to do that someday. Hopefully within the next five years.)</div>
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My point is, God has gifted each and every one of us in different, amazing ways. And we need to embrace those gifts, instead of wanting others. Because I truly believe He gave us what we have for a greater purpose.</div>
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And I can't wait to discover mine.</div>
Abigail Lockharthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14600574783853670363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724223189367065914.post-40431566810458738352014-09-11T14:41:00.000-04:002014-09-11T14:41:12.819-04:0009/11Those living in America know that this is tragic day for our country. Today, September 11th, is the thirteenth anniversary of the terrorist attack on the two towers in New York. I'd love to say that I think it's gotten better since then, but sadly, I don't believe that at all.<br />
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I was watching the President's Address on TV last night, where he was addressing the threats by ISIS. For those who don't know, they are a Middle Eastern terrorist group who are currently responsible for the death of several thousand people, many of whom are Christians. The death toll is rising, and will continue to rise if they aren't stopped.<br />
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In the address, the president said that America would take action against them. But in reality, they're not planning to do much. We're not actually fighting them. Yes, we are taking some action, but perhaps not enough to actually make a big difference.<br />
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It frustrates me that our country isn't doing much to stop them.<br />
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I've been reading through Romans lately, and today, the chapter for me to read was Romans 13, and the beginning of this chapter stuck out to me, especially with everything that's going on lately.<br />
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"Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment upon themselves." (v.1-2)<br />
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It's funny how God provides just the right scripture for me to read in different situations. I would say that it was a crazy coincidence, but I don't believe in such. I think God has everything happen for a reason.<br />
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But anyway, into what these verses are saying. They're saying that we should honor the authorities, because God has established them. It's not saying that he have to like who's in charge. It's saying that we should still respect them and obey them, or else we will bring judgment upon ourselves.<br />
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I may not agree with the government's stance on some things. But that's okay. As long as I respect those over me and obey their laws, I'm doing what God has commanded.<br />
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However, I will continue to be praying for those suffering overseas, and I encourage you all to do a same. Terrorism is at a high right now, and those who fall victim to it need our prayer. I pray that God will cause us to step out of ourselves, to set aside our selfishness, and try to help those who really need it.Abigail Lockharthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14600574783853670363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724223189367065914.post-65875451940915138712014-09-10T22:55:00.001-04:002014-09-10T22:58:17.413-04:00Time"Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom." Psalm 90:12<br />
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I've been wasting my life away on meaningless things lately, and I've started this blog because I want to focus on the important. I want to focus on my walk with God, on the things I write, on the relationships I'm forming.<br />
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I'm not much of a writer. Not yet. So I ask you to bear with me as I start this blogging experience. It's something I've wanted to do for a long time, but I've never found the time to do. I admire people who blog every day, and I always think that I could never do it. "I'm too busy," I say. "I have too many classes, too much homework."<br />
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But this morning, I realized that it's not about not having the time. And those are just excuses. Because when it comes down to it, I do have the time. What about the hour I spent on social media each day? What about that time spent in front of the TV or playing video games? Do I really need that? In all honesty, wasting time like that isn't fulfilling. Sure, it's nice to enjoy laziness. It sure feels nice while you're doing it, but afterwards, I always feel frustrated with myself. <br />
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The average life is 657,000 hours long. Simply put, that's not a long time. We all need to learn how to manage our time to honor God - because we don't have much of it.<br />
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This morning, I made a list of things that I wanted to cut down on. Sadly, it wasn't hard to come up with over half a dozen things. It's easy to spend my free time enjoying laziness! That changes now. The next list I wrote was one of things that I wish I had more time to do. Everything from learning the guitar, to writing more books, to daily Bible study and prayer, to, yes, blogging. This list was even longer than the first. There's so much I want to do with my life. So I'm done wasting my time.<br />
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I want my life to honor God. So, I'm going to try to cut down on the things in the first list, and enjoy some of those things in the second list. I want to make the most of the time I have. After all, I don't have long.Abigail Lockharthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14600574783853670363noreply@blogger.com0