New Year? New You!

Hi, I'm Abigail.  Seventeen.  Christian.  Terribly flawed human.

Okay, that's probably not the best way to begin.  I could tell a rough percentage of how "normal" I am, but that wouldn't be comforting either.  That part's coming later.

So, why are you here?

No, bad question.  Philosophers have been debating that since the dawn of time.  They don't need encouragement to continue the ruthless, endless debate, rather than believe that there's a God in the sky who loves us all dearly.

But that's not my point.  I've barely started this post and I'm already straying.  (I'm sorry, philosophers.  I know you might be out of a job if you admit that God exists, but it would be nice to see one of you discover the true meaning of life every once in a while.) Anyways. Back to my point, which was asking what IS the point of my mind-numbing ramblings? (I apologize.  I really do.)

Regardless of how ridiculous and loquacious this post may be, my point is that I'm ready for a new beginning. 2014 has been a year of learning who I am and what I'm made of.  And failing. A lot.  And making mistakes.  A lot. (Aka, why in my introduction, I described myself as a "terribly flawed human.")

But hey!  We're all terribly flawed!  There's no person on earth who's perfect.  There's the comforting part.

Okay.  So, we're all flawed.  Where do we go from here?

*Cue cheesy banner with the post title in big, colorful letters and a cutesy font*

"New Year, New You."  I find the phrase utterly ridiculous in one sense.  Because, how I interpret this statement at a first glance is that new year "makes" you new.

Wrong.  Wrong.  WRONG.

Starting a new calendar will never "make" you new.  However, it gives you a sense of freshness and, well, newness, and you're at a good place to succeed in growth.

You have the tools.  Are you going to pick them up and use them?

Say you want to fix up a car.  Your dad bought you every wonderful tool you can imagine.  But you never use them.  You make excuses. "I'm tired" or "I'm busy" or even, simply, "I don't want to."  So, the car remains broken.  Tools don't fix the car.  Your hard work does.

It's the same thing with a new year.  Here are your tools.  Here's your chance to start fresh.  Are you going to pick up the tools?  Or will they continue to gather dust, as they do every other year?  Do you want this year to be different?

This year will be different only if you decide it will be.  So, put down the distraction, put down the addiction, and pick up the tools.  Brush off the dust.  Bring about the "new you" yourself, and stop waiting for a day on a calendar to do it for you.

Are you picking up your tools?  I'm picking up mine.  You've been given a chance.  Make it a good year.  Chase relentlessly after the change you want.

Who knows, maybe God will even do something cool along the way.

Lacking Passion

Sometimes, when I'm stuck and don't know where to begin, especially on such a hard topic that's been weighing on me lately, I find that it's easier to begin with a definition.  So, here goes.

Passion (as according to Merriam-Webster) is defined as a strong feeling of enthusiasm or excitement for something or about doing something.

My definitions? Excitement about something you enjoy.  Motivation to do the things you love.  The drive to pursue your interests, your passions.

So, you can see how lacking passion can make life difficult, especially on someone like me, who thrives on being passionate for things I enjoy.

I mentioned in my last post that lacking passion was the main reason for my avoidance in blogging for the last month.  Yes, a lot of it was brought on my laziness, and I'm trying to do several things to combat that and get back on track.  Deleting those apps off my phone was a big one.  But it doesn't just solve everything.  It helped - for a day.  But there can't be just one easy solution to fix a growing problem.

And with a lack in passion, feeling disappears as well.  It's nice, not feeling.  Sadly, over the last few weeks, I came to enjoy it.  It makes life easier.  It spares you pain and letdown.  And, it's also relieved me of school and college application related stress, which definitely has been nice.

But the reason why this is such a problem is because feeling is what makes us human.  Certainly, it was easier, to give in and just feel nothing.  To stop fighting to live and feel.  It was less of a roller coaster, for sure.  But in those few weeks, so much was stripped from me.

First off, love was taken, and I think that was the worst of all.  I have an incredible boyfriend.  He's such a man of God, and he's been close to my heart for a while now.  During these last few weeks, it's been a fight to feel.  Fortunately, I believe that love is a choice, and that you can hold on, even through times lacking passion, and so we've made it through those days where I simply couldn't feel a thing.  I still knew why I loved him.  But I didn't feel those strong, passionate feelings of love.  And that was hard.

Not only that, I've fallen into many dark places lately, and pushed him away.  I didn't want to listen to the same wise advice, to pray, to read my Bible.  Not only have I pushed him out, but I pushed God out as well.

Sometimes, we silly humans have a way of denying ourselves of exactly what we need.  I have made so many excuses these last few months about not praying or not having my quiet time every day.  And it's come back to attack me.

I believe in spiritual warfare.  I believe Satan can, and will attack us.  I realized a month ago, that if I gave up, fell into laziness, and lost passion, that life was easier, because he stopped attacking me.  And why should he?  I'm not a threat right now.  I'm not actively seeking God.  I'm putting aside things I need to be doing and falling into temptation.  Satan doesn't need to attack me.  I've fallen far enough on my own.

See, the second I start fighting to feel again, the second I start trying is when he fights back, harder.  After about three to four days with no results that I can see, I give up, and fall back to this easy, unpassioned place.  Because at least there, I'm not under attack.  I'm let be.  It's easy.  Key word there.

The other thought on my mind lately parallels this closely: do the hard things. That's come up a lot, and I can't say that I've succeeded in that at all, especially not in this, because it's easy to give up.  This idea also applies to other things in my life, but those are other topics, for another time.

The second thing that not feeling took away from me was enjoyment for the things I love.  For many years now, I have been a writer, and I'm currently in the middle of editing the book I wrote last year.  It's a story I love, but I just haven't put the work in, because I haven't felt like it.  That's what lacking passion does to you - it makes you have no desire to do the things you enjoy.  This also goes for things like reading - I haven't read a book for fun in months - and running, which no longer seems so enjoyable, and rather that I'm always forcing myself.

In everything, I have lost passion.

And it's time to change.  Time to keep fighting, longer than four days.  Time to seek God first, and to maybe, just maybe feel again.

I know this was more of a personal speech, but this has been troubling me for a while, and cumulated today.  I decided that, if I put it out on the internet, where anyone can see, maybe I can spur a change in my heart.

I'm not ashamed of my struggles.  After all, I'm only human.  My prayer will be that I open up my heart again, and let these feelings back in.  Time for unrelenting pursuit of God.  Time for once again, living and loving with my whole heart.

Time for passion.

Four Apps I'm Deleting Off My Phone

First off, yes, I know it's been a month since I posted.  That wasn't my original goal, at all, but it's been a difficult last month and I couldn't force it out.  The main reason why I haven't posted is due to a lack of passion.  I'll write more about that later, as it is a serious topic that I'd like to analyze in writing, but for tonight, as I'm still trying to get over the hump, I want to focus on a simple topic - something I'm doing to help myself move on from this lack of passion, brought on my laziness.

My phone can be my downfall sometimes.  I'm not the kind of person who is always on my phone; however, when I have free time, that's usually where you'll find me - laying on the couch, doing something on my phone.  I don't see texting as a bad thing - at least it's social - but I'm talking about useless things that in no way contribute to my life or happiness.  I've tried to find satisfaction in them, but they always fail me, and lead to wasted time.

So, without further ado, my list of apps that I've deleted off my phone.

1. Facebook

I took this plunge about three weeks ago.  I love Facebook.  I really do.  It's a nice, easy way to stay connected with relatives and friends.  I really have nothing against it.  And more than that, I'm not judging anyone who spends a lot of time on there.  If it's your thing, sure, go for it.  It just became an issue for me.

There's a problem when I spend an hour laying in one place scrolling through Clean Funny Pictures and avoiding things like editing my book or playing the piano.  Things I truly love doing!  I've lost passion for some of those things though, because it's just easier to avoid and do mind-numbing things, like scrolling through Facebook.

So, if I want to get on Facebook, I have to use my computer.  This has helped considerably.  I check Facebook once or twice a day, for about fifteen minutes.  It's certainly a lot healthier, and I know that I'm a lot happier because of it.


2. YouTube

This is a HUGE one, that I did just today.  And this is the one that I think will benefit me the most.

I'm not even talking about the content of YouTube videos, although yes, that can be a problem.  I'm talking about the sheer amount of time that YouTube consumes.  I don't see anything wrong with watching the new video from one of my favorite channels once or twice.  But, it's easy to pull up one short video and get sucked in.  It goes back to the Facebook thing.  It becomes an addiction, and that's when it's a problem.

I realized after an hour and a half on YouTube today, following over an hour yesterday, watching videos that I don't even care about or have already seen several times before, that it's become a problem.  So, I need to make it less accessible to me.

Goodbye, YouTube app.  Again, if I need to view a video, I can get on my computer, but that makes it more of a hassle, and I won't be compelled to waste so much time on there.


3. Candy Crush Saga

At level 365, this game stopped being fun.  Yet, I still felt compelled to obsessively play it while watching TV, instead of doing something healthier.

Like, tonight, while watching the new Heartland, I painted my nails.  Maybe it wasn't productive, but it was definitely more calming than getting frustrated over some silly game.  I used to knit or draw or practice Gallifreyan writing (yes, I know, I'm a huge nerd) while I watched TV.  And now, I've turned to TV and video games at the same time.  It's not healthy.

Also, there's the temptation to spend money to beat that one annoyingly impossible level.  So, bye Candy Crush!  Time to replace you with things I actually enjoy!


4. InstaFollowers

This may be sort of a stupid one.  I know.  But it's something that I've used for a while now, and lately I've realized just how silly it really is.

Basically, it tracks whoever unfollows you on instagram, and who isn't following you back and such.

First off.  How self-centered is this?!  Why does it matter who unfollows me?  The day I start obsessing over how many followers I have is the day I have lost myself to social media.  And I refuse to let that happen.  So, I'm taking the steps now to save myself from falling into that place.

If you want to unfollow me, go right ahead.  I'm sure my outdoor pictures from work, my piano videos, my selfies, and shots of my homework must get old.  I won't take any offense.  Because, that's kind of a silly thing to take offense about.  Most of the time I never notice if people unfollow me, anyway.  As it should be.


So there you have it.  My list of apps I'm keeping off my phone, at least for this next year.  If, in the future, I decide I can handle Facebook again, it might come back, (the others I don't really care about) but for now, I'm content having my phone free from those time-sucking apps.  My phone has a pitifully low number of apps.  But I like it that way.  And besides, I can fill it up with pictures instead...

Are there any apps that are keeping you captive?  If so, I encourage you to delete them, no matter how fun they may seem.  It's freeing, to click that X on the corner of the app, and watch that addiction slide away to oblivion.

My prayer for the next few days will be asking God to reclaim my time, to focus it back on Him and the things I love.  To remove these distractions.  To live the life I was meant to live.

Thank you God, for blessing me with so much time.  Let me use it for your glory, and not for trying to satisfy myself.  Give me strength, as I attack the future with passion, instead of laziness.  Let my every action serve you.

Anticipation Turned Fear

For the past year, I have repeatedly said that I cannot wait to leave high school.  And that's true - I am eagerly awaiting college.  It has been on my mind for a while now, and it's something I've looked forward to with nothing but eager anticipation.

Until now.

Because, yesterday, I realized that I was actually terrified about it.

Let me explain.  For the past several months, my life has been college applications.  I've been so worried about writing essays and getting letters of recommendations, that my focus has been placed on getting into college, and getting money for college.

Not about what I'm actually going to do when I'm at college.

This doesn't have to do with academics.  I'm fairly confident in my choice of a Chemistry/Pre-Med major.  Who knows, it could change, but for now, I'm content.  No, this centers around picking which college, and then what I'm going to do there.

I've always been able to make fairly wise decisions.  That's not the problem.  The real problem is that I dread making those decisions.  I get so worked up and stressed out about them, because they are big things that will affect the rest of my life.  Kind of terrifying, when you think about it that way.  (Also, I'm kind of a worrier.  It's not a good thing, and it's something I've tried to get out of.  I'm better than I used to be.  But I still worry.)

Now that applications are done, the focus is now off getting into college.  I've done all that I can do.  Now, it comes down to my choice.  And this is something that worries me lately.  Yes, I am continuing to have faith that God will make it all work out - but also, part of it comes down to my personal choice in the matter.

The other part of my worry comes from the fact that, well, I'm leaving.  I will be leaving Fort Mill, where I have lived all my life, and entering a new city.  I will be leaving my family, and although I've always been independent, it's a little scary.

These fears haven't hit me before now, because I've been focusing on the excitement of the matter.  But now, as the excitement dies down while I wait for a little while, I am also afraid.

But back to Isaiah: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (41:10)

I may not have it all figured out yet.  But He certainly has a wonderful plan in store for me.  Whatever happens, I will continue to take faith in that.

Have Faith and Wait

I submitted the rest of my college applications last night, leading to a grand total of nine different schools.  Yes, it's a lot, but I wanted to make sure I covered all my bases.  I'm pretty sure I did.

Duke.  Vanderbilt.  Furman.  University of Richmond.  Wake Forest.  Wofford.  Clemson.  Virginia Tech.  Liberty.  Two Ivy League schools, four private (sub-ivys), two state schools, and one Christian college.  It's a ton, but I'm glad all of my applications are in.

Crazy thing is, I'm pretty sure that I could be happy at most of these places.  I have some idea where I want to go, but there's still so much up in the air.  I won't get admissions letters for another four months.  I won't find out whether or not I received scholarships or financial aid until the spring.  And, of course, that's a major consideration.

Thus, I have several months of waiting until I can make any decisions.  For me, that's very difficult.

Those who know me well know that I have never been a particularly patient person.  When needed, I can wait, sure.  But for big things like college, which are always on my mind?  It's incredibly hard for me to wait.  And I have to, for several months.

This isn't the only thing I've been called to wait on lately.  Several other examples come to mind.  Some are harder to wait for than others, but they are all things I will gladly wait for.

Honestly, I believe that God grows us the most through periods of waiting.  Because, most of the time, when we have to wait, we don't know what we're doing.  We have no plans, because we have to wait to make them.  We have little knowledge of what's going to happen.  So, we must wait on God, and rely on Him to get us through the future.

Waiting forces us to have faith.  To trust Him.  And I consider it to be a privilege, that he's making me wait.  Because obviously, there's something he's trying to teach me in the process.  Again.  I don't know what that is yet.  But I look forward to finding out everything that he has in store for me.


"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:33-34 (these also happen to be two of my favorite verses)

Wanting More

Those who know me well know that I am very excited to leave for college next fall.  Sometimes, my constant craving of college life can get a bit obsessive.  I'm not content where I am now.  It's a daily struggle.

A lot of it stems from loneliness.  I have such a small social life this year.  My good friends are busy, or I'm busy with classes.  My boyfriend is four hours away.  It's a tough year, and I absolutely until I get to meet new people at college.

This weekend, though, I think it's come from jealousy.  One of my current top choices for college, Liberty University in Virginia, does this program called "College For A Weekend" where high school students can come and spend a weekend on campus and go to classes and school events and such.  It's actually this weekend, and originally, I was planning on going.  Then several things came up, and besides, I didn't even have a ride up there.  So I was unable to attend this weekend, and honestly, it's been getting to me.

This was also paired with the fact that I spent nearly six hours yesterday working on college application essays, which was exhausting.  I'm ready for all of this senior year stuff to be over.  I'm ready to leave, to start over, to have some new experiences.  I hear my boyfriend talk about the wonderful experiences he's having up at Liberty, and I get terribly jealous, instead of being content where I am right now.  That's wrong of me, and it's something I've been battling for a long time.

However, yesterday I was reminded of the parable in the Bible, where three servants were entrusted with small portions of their master's fortune, to test them, to see what they would do with it.  The ones who were faithful even with just the small amounts were rewarded, and given more responsibilities

This doesn't just apply to money.  This applies to everyday life.  Are we being faithful in the little things that God has entrusted us with?  If not, why would He give us bigger things?

For me personally, my senior year feels like one of those "little things".  I don't have as much responsibility as I'd like.  I don't have as many opportunities as I'd like.  I don't have as many people in my life as I would like.  My world feels terribly small, and I desire more.  However, if I am not faithful in what I have been given now, how would I be faithful with more?

If I am not bothering to spend time with the few people around me now, what makes me think that I will take the time to make friends at college?  If I am letting opportunities pass by me now, what makes me think that I will take advantage of the new opportunities available at to me at college?

College is not going to fix my life.  Simple as that.  It's not.  It will be a time of great growth for me, but that doesn't mean that growth has to wait to begin until I get there.  It begins now.  In the little things, so that when I am given those bigger things, I will be prepared.  Growth begins today.

And part of that also means that I need to live in today.  I need to enjoy each and every day God has given me, rather than have the mindset of "nine more months and I'll get to go away to college."  No.  I need to enjoy today.

I am making a commitment, today, to being faithful in the little things.  And I cannot wait to see what bigger things God has in store for me.

His Strength

Isaiah is becoming a new favorite, namely, chapters 40-42.  Every time I read them, God shows me something new through those powerful sections.  Today was no different.

I realized this morning, when I reread those chapters, that I didn't completely comprehend who God was, despite saying that I know Him for so long. To clarify - I've been a Christian for most of my life.  I've gone to church my whole life.  I've always been close to Christianity - lately, however, it's becoming more of a personal thing, which is great.  It's what it's supposed to be.

It's also difficult, though.  Part of making faith your own is discovering who God is to you.  And this morning, I realized that I truly do not know.

Of course, it's impossible to have any real comprehension of who God is.  He is too great and powerful for human comprehension.  But I've lost sight of who he is to me.  I say He's powerful and great, but do I really mean that?

Sometimes actions speak louder than words, and when I spend my time worrying about homework or college or conflict with others, am I really trusting Him?  Is that really showing that I believe that He is bigger and stronger than all that?

Truth be told, worrying is just a sign that I'm not trusting God enough.  I make excuses for it a lot: "I'm trying to worry, it's just how I am!" or "My life is crazy and stressful, I can't help being worried!"  That's also wrong.  What I have is a lack of trust.  And how can that trust be found?

I honestly think that by seeking God, by trying to discover who He is, and how great His strength is, I will be able to more willingly place my trust in Him.  If I truly believe that He is all-powerful, why would I not trust Him?  If He is greater than my problems and greater than my fears, why should I worry?

I'm going to close today with some wonderful verses from Isaiah, that drive this point home.  I'm also dedicating this next week or so to memorizing them, because these are words that I need to have in my heart.


"Do you not know?  Have you not heard?  Has it not been told you from the beginning?  Have you not understood since the earth was founded?  He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth, its people are like grasshoppers.  He stretches out the heavens like a canopy, and spreads them out like a tent to live in.  He brings princes to naught, and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing.  No sooner are they planted, no sooner are they sown, no sooner do they take root in the ground, than he blows on them and they wither, and a whirlwinds sweeps them away like chaff.  "To whom will you compare me?  Or who is my equal?" says the Holy One.  Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these?  He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing."

Isaiah 40:21-26