Thursday, November 13, 2014

Anticipation Turned Fear

For the past year, I have repeatedly said that I cannot wait to leave high school.  And that's true - I am eagerly awaiting college.  It has been on my mind for a while now, and it's something I've looked forward to with nothing but eager anticipation.

Until now.

Because, yesterday, I realized that I was actually terrified about it.

Let me explain.  For the past several months, my life has been college applications.  I've been so worried about writing essays and getting letters of recommendations, that my focus has been placed on getting into college, and getting money for college.

Not about what I'm actually going to do when I'm at college.

This doesn't have to do with academics.  I'm fairly confident in my choice of a Chemistry/Pre-Med major.  Who knows, it could change, but for now, I'm content.  No, this centers around picking which college, and then what I'm going to do there.

I've always been able to make fairly wise decisions.  That's not the problem.  The real problem is that I dread making those decisions.  I get so worked up and stressed out about them, because they are big things that will affect the rest of my life.  Kind of terrifying, when you think about it that way.  (Also, I'm kind of a worrier.  It's not a good thing, and it's something I've tried to get out of.  I'm better than I used to be.  But I still worry.)

Now that applications are done, the focus is now off getting into college.  I've done all that I can do.  Now, it comes down to my choice.  And this is something that worries me lately.  Yes, I am continuing to have faith that God will make it all work out - but also, part of it comes down to my personal choice in the matter.

The other part of my worry comes from the fact that, well, I'm leaving.  I will be leaving Fort Mill, where I have lived all my life, and entering a new city.  I will be leaving my family, and although I've always been independent, it's a little scary.

These fears haven't hit me before now, because I've been focusing on the excitement of the matter.  But now, as the excitement dies down while I wait for a little while, I am also afraid.

But back to Isaiah: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (41:10)

I may not have it all figured out yet.  But He certainly has a wonderful plan in store for me.  Whatever happens, I will continue to take faith in that.

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